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Drawing Healthy Boundaries Protecting Yourself in Your Relationships

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When does being ‘generous of spirit’ become ‘being a doormat’? When does being a ‘can do’ person become a problem? These are questions that many contend with as they learn about the concept of having and setting healthy boundaries. I see boundaries as the emotional and physical space that we place between ourselves and others. Setting proper boundaries is important to our mental, emotional, physical and professional health. When appropriate boundaries are not set, we run the risk of creating resentment, feeling depressed, overwhelmed and inauthentic. When poor boundaries are in place in a relationship we are either too detached and isolated, or too dependent on others.

We develop our world view by the time we are six or seven and our sense of self is impacted by that view. The messaging, the relationships and the way the family members communicate with each other and others affect one’s adulthood. This is where we begin to learn whether or not we feel a sense of self value and whether or not boundaries are safe to have. A survival tactic in a family may be never having boundaries in order to belong and feel loved in the tribe. A child may learn that the only way to survive is to be compliant and to abdicate all power. Poor boundaries can also ensue from an over enmeshed family dynamic. For example family members may offer unsolicited advice, overprotection, no privacy, passive aggressiveness, criticism, guilt and manipulation, all which negatively impact good boundary learning.

Culturally, saying ‘no’ can be difficult. We are taught to be accommodating. Women in particular seem to battle with the struggle of empowering their ‘no’ without guilt. But men are not immune. The reality is that without boundaries you are likely to lose your real self, your autonomy and your well being in a relationship. Codependence will ensue and your sense of self-esteem can rise and fall based on other’s opinions, moods and tones. Your own emotions and limits become subjugated to other people’s wants and needs.  A person with low self-value will have the subconscious agenda to do whatever the other person wants in order to not be abandoned and to be accepted.

Feeling and behaving like a hostage in a relationship is a common feeling when boundaries are unhealthy. One acts in specific ways to avoid anger or conflict of any sort. Doing and saying things that are not authentic in order to be liked can facilitate a boundary-less relationship. Other examples may include loaning money you don’t want to give and giving gifts or doing favours that are beyond your means or inappropriate.  Self-empowerment, therefore, takes a back seat and resentment becomes the main currency in the relationship. With poor boundaries, relationships become a scary place that one cannot relax and be genuine in and isolation becomes a preferred mode of self-protection. Conversely, clinging and doing whatever the other wants can also ensue. Either scenario is defeating.

The Anatomy of a Good Boundary.

The first and most important aspect of a relationship with healthy boundaries is getting clear on what you are feeling. The habituation of having poor boundaries results in the numbing of feelings that can be important clues. You don’t even recognize when the boundaries are unhealthy.  If you are constantly feeling angry, frustrated, hurt, resentful, boxed in, pushed, rebellious or victimized in a relationship, these are signs and symptoms that there are boundary issues in that relationship. Pay attention to what you are feeling. Don’t just rationalize it away!

It is also very difficult to simultaneously create limits and boundaries and take care of other people’s feelings. They may feel hurt, taken aback or even angry. All you can do is take care of yourself and try to communicate in a clear but kind and gentle manner. Practice alone before you speak to the other person. It does get easier. The freedom one derives from boundary setting is profound!

It is important to remember that setting boundaries is not about controlling your loved ones. Others may say you are doing this but they are really just not used to this more empowered and vocal side. Drawing boundaries is more about defining what is acceptable to you and letting others know about it in a peaceful, clear and certain way.  Consistency is crucial in order to send a clear message that a new dynamic is present.  Remember that very little will change if you set a boundary and don’t follow through.  You are only responsible for your own feelings and it is important to remember that you cannot please everyone all of the time.

Good Boundary Communication

Sometimes, the words are just not there if you haven’t practiced or been taught good boundaries.  Here are some examples of sentences you might use to create a good boundary when negotiating in a relationship:

  • I would appreciate you not yelling at me when you are angry. I will listen to you if you speak calmly to me.
  • I ask that you lower your voice please.
  • That just does not work for me. Please stop it.
  • Do not belittle, judge or criticize me. If you continue I will not participate in this conversation. (And follow through!)
  • This is all I can take on. This is my limit.
  • I will be leaving by 5:00 p.m. today.  Tomorrow I will pick up where I left off.
  • I need for you to communicate with me calmly and honestly when we disagree. I won’t participate in violent communication.
  • I need to leave now.
  • I am not ready yet. I need more time.
  • This is who I am.

Baby steps (at first) are the name of the game. With time, good boundaries will be a real part of your life. A new normal is just around the corner. Be consistent. Be good to yourself. You need to fill your own cup first and only give to others from the overflow. 

 

Victoria Lorient-Faibish
 IIs in private practice as Holistic Psychotherapist in Toronto. She holds a Masters in Educational Psychology and is a Canadian Certified Counsellor and a Registered Polarity Practitioner and Educator.
www.visualizationworks.com


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