Have Bigger, Better and Fuller Orgasms
Orgasms are one of those beautiful moments to experience on your own or share with a partner. For some, they’re effortless but for others, it requires a little more work to get there. There is no one “right” or “better” kind of orgasm. The bottom line is that if you’re happy with the kind of sex and orgasm you’re having, then that’s fabulous! No one can tell you that it isn’t good enough. If however you’d like to have more full bodied sensations that last longer and feel fuller, here are some tips.
Yes, you may have heard about awareness in yoga or meditation class, and it also goes for sex. Women in particular are notorious for being distracted while having sex. If we don’t get there quickly enough, we start questioning: “How come I taking so long?” “I’ll bet he is getting bored and tired,” or “I probably don’t taste good.” Nothing kills an orgasm like pressure to perform, to have a wild orgasm, or to please your partner.
When our attention is elsewhere, we’re not focused and thus not feeling the task at hand, so to speak. I suggest that we pay attention to the thoughts and emotions that we have that get in the way - negative self-talk where we judge our sexual performance and our bodies, or simple distractions about unrelated issues like shopping lists. Once we’re aware of what’s going on in our bodies and our minds, we can then turn around and replace the less effective habits with new ones.
A very helpful new habit is to savour the pleasurable sensations. To illustrate, imagine that you were now receiving the last truffle (or something that you truly enjoy) that you will ever get. You would savour the flavours and textures and get into the experience to the extent that there would be no possibility of noticing anything else. If you apply this same focus, savouring the pleasure and seeing how much you can feel, to your sexual pleasure, you’ll find your attention where you want it to be and you will be less distracted and feeling more while you build to a stronger orgasm.
Trying new things and taking some risks is key. Trying something different, even if it is which way you face on the bed can add a new dimension. Being open to using a vibrator, planning a surprise, dressing up, or experimenting with a new sexual position can intensify your connection and your experience.
Dirty talk is one way that a lot of people like to add a new dimension to their sex life. The good news is that it doesn’t have to be unnatural. Even saying what you like about what your partner is doing, how he or she tastes, or what you would love to feel in the moment, those can all add some heat to the experience. Since communication is key, also talking to your partner when you’re not in the heat of the moment about what is working and not working makes a huge difference as well.
One effective and positive way to share your feedback is to say three things that you really like about how your partner pleasures you and one thing that you wish were different. After offering three validations of your partner’s skill, it’s easier to both say and to hear what you would prefer, such as their tongue anywhere other than your ear, or a gentler touch on your clitoris.
Some basic physical techniques can intensify your orgasms and take them from a genital sensation to a more full body experience. Breathing is critical and long deep breaths pump the blood through the body- including to your vulva and vagina. This also helps with arousal. As you breathe out, make some sound. You don’t necessarily get extra points for screaming at the top of your lungs, but even a gentle and authentic “ahh” or “mmm” as you breathe out can help you feel more of the pleasure. And it will likely turn on your partner as well!
You may have heard of your “kegel” squeezes. These are the muscles that contract when you have an orgasm and they sandwich your clitoris so they stimulate it without even touching it. You can find those muscles by squeezing to stop the flow of urine next time that you’re sitting on the toilet. You want to squeeze those muscles while you’re having sex. And you want to exercise them when you’re not having sex (while waiting for the bus, when you wake up in the morning, or every time you eat). Do 10 or more repetitions daily of a five second squeeze followed by a five second relax, and you’re well on your way to stronger orgasms. Some people like to wear a weighted ball (such as the Uno or Luna) around during the day that offers some pleasure (that no one knows about!) and reminds you to squeeze whenever you notice it inside. A great way to multitask and do your exercises while getting your chores done!
The bottom line for enjoying better orgasms is to relax and to enjoy your experience. Anything that prevents you from relaxing, being in the moment or getting what you need will decrease the intensity. Use these tools and you are well on your way to a more rewarding sex life.
Carlyle Jansen is the founder of Good For Her, a sexuality shop and workshop centre in Toronto. If you have questions or comments she can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org or go online to goodforher.com