Help, I Don’t Want To Be Alone!
Balancing intellect and emotion
Q: Rod, I have had yet another relationship failure and just don’t feel like trying again. Everyone else around me seems to be in happy, loving relationships and I feel like I am going to die alone.
A: Alex, welcome to the land of the singles. Enjoy it, because you may not be here very long, statistically speaking. What you are going through is a type of grief, from the loss of the relationship you were in, and it is very natural to be negative temporarily. It is also very natural for you to not want to try again because you are still working through the recent past.
You might feel like everyone is in a happy relationship, but the truth is that only about 50% of people are in relationships and of those, as many as 35% are unhappy (leading to the 46% of marriages that end in divorce).
One of the most important considerations we can all embrace when we look at our lives is to look at things as they are, not worse and not better. In your case, you can neutralize some of your negativity by seeing the neutral truth, which is that you are not in a relationship. When you look at it that way, it may take a bit of the sting out of the narrative you are telling yourself.
That narrative, by the way, is the most influential part of how you experience your life, and at the moment, you may have inadvertently created the narrative that you suffered a “failure” and you are going to “die alone.” You can actually create any narrative you want, by choosing what you want to focus on and the language that empowers it. Instead of the narrative you currently have, you might try “I am focusing on being the best I can be and open to whatever my life brings to me.” When you feel you’ve gotten past the immediate grief of the past relationship, you can change the narrative again to include something like, “I am open to a new relationship that is fulfilling and empowering.”
In the meantime, focus on you. Eat well, work out, take up a hobby, spend time with friends and family, travel, take a course or any number of other things you might not have as much time to do when in a relationship. Before you know it, you will be happier, healthier and you will attract interesting people into your life.
Combining over 30 years in the field of self-development, Rod is the CEO of the Certified Coaches Federation, one of the largest coach education companies in the world, and a speaker, coach and author. For more information on the Certified Coaches Federation, visit www.certifiedcoachesfederation.com and for more information on Rod, visit www.indestructiblehuman.com.
Want to ask Tonic’s Coach a question? Send a brief email to email@example.com describing your challenge in 50 words or less, and one question will be selected per issue.